Insight..new and improved..i hope..

     I think I am becoming an attention-seeking whore. Ever since the big "B"..its as if I need to flirt, need male attention, need to be looked at as desirable? Kinda sad when you think about it. I’ve actually resorted to what other girls do..and here I was thinking that I was way above doing all these things. Looks like I’m no better..

     Its a good thing that I realised this before some "predator" decided to home in and finish me off..but its terribly sad that I don’t know which guy actually wants to be my friend, and which guy is being nice to me just to screw me, now that everyone thinks I’m "2nd hand goods"..I guess the mistake I made was being someone’s girlfriend in the first place.

     I have to do something about it, perhaps change my entire personality (the manja, flirty, joking thing has to go!) to become this "olungge" Indian girl who stays low profile and doesn’t talk too much or too well..sigh..I will try..for my own sanity and for the benefit of all the sick AIMST community (no offense to those who don’t) who form such impressions of me. Its going to be an uphill task, but its necessary I guess. I’ll put my real self on hold till I leave this place.

     We had a great relationship, one which allowed us both to discover so much about life, about love, about each other and about ourselves. I will not deny that I was taken care of like a queen and enjoyed many luxuries that other people did not get to enjoy. That is one thing that you always made sure of. Technically I should have been happy.

     The thing is, we faced a lot of problems and hardships which led to fights that got out of hand. The impact left by those fights are like scars that won’t heal. The taught me that I definitely deserve to be treated better. That I should put my integrity, principles an well-being first instead of giving in because of blind love. That is not love, but a sacrifice of myself.

     I don’t doubt that I have put you through a lot of hurt, anguish and pain in the course of this 1 year with you. I realise that we are not meant for each other because you are not mature enough to handle a serious relationship, and neither am I. Its is not just about emotion, sentiment and all that. Its about friendship, understanding and complementing each other, not completing each other.

     I’ll admit that I am not ready for this, that I learnt my self-worth the hard way, because I kept myself worthless in the relationship and allowed myself to be led by you. We both must move on, and let this teach us both something.

But I will always, always love you Ratindra. If you read this, take care Atin.