Insight..new and improved..i hope..

I devised this list during my Animal and Plant Breeding Theory paper..and I wonder why I’m screwing up my papers this semester…:( Anyway, here goes:

1. A good night’s sleep on a solid mattress. (this hostel mattress is so not enough for a pampered princess like me).

2. A healthy meal, 3 veggies + 1 meat, cooked and fed by hand, with love. (because hostel food sucks and the princess is too lazy to eat by herself).

3. A spacious bathroom with a shower head that doesn’t break and provides just the right water pressure. (princess likes her showers A LOT).

4. The privacy to dry off and get dressed in a room in peace. (4 in a room sucks).

5. Facials and spa treatments with Vanitha on lazy Sunday afternoons. (we shall do this when I get there Vanitz, we have to).

6. Early morning breakfasts with Thaya in Silva’s where we enjoy "kutuk-ing" the slow service. (the food is good though).

7. Hours and hours on the phone non-stop with Sankya about all the gossip in the world. (strange how I can talk so much an so fast only with you la woman).

8. Helping my sisters with their homework and doing their artwork for them just because I’m good at it. (yea, perasan, I know).

9. Washing the balcony and bathrooms on Sunday mornings. (usually I’d complain when told to do this, but after living in filth in this hostel, I appreciate me chronic and clean family so so so much).

10. Layan-ing music for hours and hours with no disturbance. (yea, no one to tell me anything about my music taste or no need to be a considerate child and switch it off).

11. Reading the newspapers with a cup of teh tarik beside me at the mamak by myself. (its therapeutic, trust me).

12. Flipping channels on Astro at midnight and end up watching E! end of the day. (I have officially forgotten how to hold a remote control, so I’ll have to practise again these holidays. And E! is the only thing to watch at that hour besides reruns anyway).

13. Taking the dogs for a walk around SS 15. (And hope that some shirtless and muscular dudes are playing football in the field at that time..heehee..).

14. Running errands with Sankya and her mom all around town. (And driving her mad with our insane chatter).

15. Baking cakes and cookies in Aunty Anne’s house. (More like, licking the batter from the bowl and spoon..hehe).

16. Doing mindless Maths questions for the heck of it. (I admit, I am a nerd).

17. Going to Giant every weekend with Amma. (And filling the trolley with all the stuff I want when she’s not looking..lol).

18. Watching Tamil serials n kutuk-ing th heroine for always being so stupid. (And slow!).

19. Reading old storybooks over and over again out loud. (Because the words sound nice when they roll off my tongue).

20. My ever-silver India plate with the compartments. (I like my food in compartments la, I do).

That concludes the top 20 things that I miss at the moment, in no particular order. This does not include the people that I miss yet, or the actual proper things that a person far from home should be missing..I think. These are all thanks to lack of sleep and roti milo..(thank you cafe anne!)..

With that, I shall end my ramblings of tonight, and hope you enjoyed your read..good night America! (its the sasau, pay no heed).

Tidak akanku sangka,
Diriku akan mengaku kalah,
Aku pasrah dengan segala,
Tinggal jiwa yang hancur depan Pencipta.

Kujanjikan padamu, telahpun lupa segala,
Inginku bina hidup baru bersama,
Hakikatnya, kaudiperdaya,
Kuboleh lupa, dengan kesannya, kumasih derita.

Telahku tarikmu dalam duniaku yang gelap,
Tiap hari kaumembalut luka pemberianku,
Mengapa kaupilih lagi, manusia kurang sempurna?
Tidakkah dirimu layak bagi intan di mahkota?

"Membantumu sayang, menunggumu sempurna",
Itulah kata-katamu, wahai kekasih penyayang,
Kuhanya mampu tersenyum sedih, bagimu di mana akhirnya sengsara?
Katakanlah kutidak pulih dengan masa..

Akanku cuba, dengan keangkuhan yang tinggal,
Bahawasanya, kuakan layak bagimu sayang,
Sehinggakan itu, kesatlah air mataku,
Kuusahakan tukar kacamu menjadi permata.

Its been too long since the last blog entry, and even that wasn’t an original production, but just the song lyrics from Samson’s Kenangan Terindah. I have lost my inspiration, lost the drive to write..what has happened to Arveena and her Writing, with a capital W? Could it be that I have been deluding myself that I had a talent that actually didn’t have? Have I just been stringing  cliched words together and called that poetry? I’m not writing this to ask for sympathy or to expect someone to come praise me on the back, telling me that I am mistaken and that I actually do have talent..no, that certainly isn’t the intention here.

I’m on a journey to figure myself out right now. Talking to a few people has made me realise many strengths and many flaws that I have been trying to not admit to all this while. For example, why the obsession to be like Kuganaa? The need for a body like hers? What drives that? The need to be the centre of attention..Or, what makes me so competitive, to the point where its unhealthy? Perhaps the lack of anything to fall back on apart from studies.. And this thing about getting pissed at one issue, but lashing out at everyone around me, as though its the fault of the whole world somehow? I mean, that’s not fair at all..and yet I’m still doing it..and perhaps the backstabbing when I’m fed-up with someone, or the cussing in unladylike language? Where did all this come from? Yea, this is turning out to be a very ranting blog entry..I really don’t care…the past few days have been blur and filled with too many miserable self-realisations…I’ll try to improve upon this mindset and give you guys something better to read next time around k. Till then, I leave with my misery in hand and exams to sit for in a week’s time.

This song carries meaning and memories that will never fade. To the one who was once my world, to the brothers who share the meaning behind the song…I don’t know if y’all will read this or not, but if you do…this one goes out to you..

Aku yang lemah tanpamu
Aku yang rentan karena
Cinta yang t’lah hilang
Darimu yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
Selama itu pun aku mampu
Untuk mengenangmu

Darimu kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku kaulah cinta sejati

Chorus :
Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan kujadikan kau
Kenangan yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang t’lah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah

Darimu kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku kaulah cinta sejati

Chorus

Termenung bersama sarapan pagi,

Kuterfikir seketika,

Berkenan coretan jiwaku yang terhenti,

Dan kenapa…

Jiwaku membara menulis,

Kerana itulah bagiku, hasil tangan dan minda,

Itulah bukti diriku bukan serba biasa,

Itulah kelainanku daripada mereka.

Teringat kembali, kukoyakkan segala,

Marah dan  dengki mengaburi semua,

Ego dalam diri, dikatakan naluri bangsa,

Tidak akanku menulis lagi, dikata.

Kuangkat pena hari ini mencari makna,

Membuktikan sesuatu kepada diri,

"Hancur cinta, tidak bermaksud hancur segala,

Hancur cinta, lahirlah syair di jiwa."

     I think I am becoming an attention-seeking whore. Ever since the big "B"..its as if I need to flirt, need male attention, need to be looked at as desirable? Kinda sad when you think about it. I’ve actually resorted to what other girls do..and here I was thinking that I was way above doing all these things. Looks like I’m no better..

     Its a good thing that I realised this before some "predator" decided to home in and finish me off..but its terribly sad that I don’t know which guy actually wants to be my friend, and which guy is being nice to me just to screw me, now that everyone thinks I’m "2nd hand goods"..I guess the mistake I made was being someone’s girlfriend in the first place.

     I have to do something about it, perhaps change my entire personality (the manja, flirty, joking thing has to go!) to become this "olungge" Indian girl who stays low profile and doesn’t talk too much or too well..sigh..I will try..for my own sanity and for the benefit of all the sick AIMST community (no offense to those who don’t) who form such impressions of me. Its going to be an uphill task, but its necessary I guess. I’ll put my real self on hold till I leave this place.

     We had a great relationship, one which allowed us both to discover so much about life, about love, about each other and about ourselves. I will not deny that I was taken care of like a queen and enjoyed many luxuries that other people did not get to enjoy. That is one thing that you always made sure of. Technically I should have been happy.

     The thing is, we faced a lot of problems and hardships which led to fights that got out of hand. The impact left by those fights are like scars that won’t heal. The taught me that I definitely deserve to be treated better. That I should put my integrity, principles an well-being first instead of giving in because of blind love. That is not love, but a sacrifice of myself.

     I don’t doubt that I have put you through a lot of hurt, anguish and pain in the course of this 1 year with you. I realise that we are not meant for each other because you are not mature enough to handle a serious relationship, and neither am I. Its is not just about emotion, sentiment and all that. Its about friendship, understanding and complementing each other, not completing each other.

     I’ll admit that I am not ready for this, that I learnt my self-worth the hard way, because I kept myself worthless in the relationship and allowed myself to be led by you. We both must move on, and let this teach us both something.

But I will always, always love you Ratindra. If you read this, take care Atin.